Current Location: The Mountains above Telluride, CO
WARNING: For those who read my blog regularly, regardless of whether or not you like my exegesis, this is Top 3 most important posts I will ever write, because the material governs the marriage of truth, relationships, and how the Desire of Reconciliation gets deeply executed. Pass this one onto your friends, gang!
NOTE: When I was going to write this, I got attacked by the enemy with memories of violations of this passage. I realized, I could have written a hot-headed piece here really easily. But that would not have served the purpose when my greater desire is for relationships to be healed more than being right or justified. True to Jack and Trisha Frost’s mantra, “would you rather be right or have relationship?”. In this case, in the case of this text, I’d rather have relationship and things be tender, especially with those with whom I am building the Kingdom. Especially since in this season, tenderness, and affection, mercy, and intimacy are supposed to be the hallmarks of productive Kingdom relationships. With that disclaimer, let’s jump in, gang…
The Reasoning For This Post
You know, there are a few pressing things that I must read and write about, and this is one of those that simply could not wait for the sequence of expository writing to come into fruition, as I am writing sequentially about the Gospel of Matthew as The Gospel of Desire. There are too many real present-day needs that require this exposition now.
Why is that?
Because 1) it feels like too many people do not understand the boldness of Matthew 18:15-20 married to its skillful execution and bathed in tenderest affection for people from whom we are alienated, and 2) because they are not willing to unpack its fullest triple meaning, they might rather either:
- beat someone to death and give them the left foot of fellowship, or
- leave a potentially toxic solution to stew, because they are too intimidated to confront a solution, and thus creating no solution and leading to the decay of a G-d ordained thing, or
- The aggrieved party sends someone else to work their issue out with the party that offended them simply because of intimidation.
And none of these solutions is tenable when we have been given, by a loving Father, every good and perfect gift necessary for both fullest life and holiest godliness. The third option is not really workable precisely because Matthew 18 commands you to go, rather than send someone else to do your work for you.
To wit, when we stand in the place of the person who actually has the issue and instead serve as a middle man, we might unknowingly enable them to more deeply marry a spirit of fear, rather than marry the power, loving affection, and disciplined sound mind that Christ died for each of us to have through the power of Holy Spirit.
So, in light of that, we are going to lay down the biblical text for correction from Matthew’s Gospel, then break it apart into its steps, and finally highlight the mindset necessary to walk in this path well.
Because then end goal is not to be right and correct. The end goal truly is “where do we go from here? is actual reconciliation possible?” For our desire, per the Tenth Commandment, is for our hearts and minds, indeed the whole of our inner world, to fully align with the Messiah we love, serve, and with whom we partner in tender relationship. We want our friends back, not further wedged from us.
Let’s begin.
The Biblical Text
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
Matthew 18:15-20, ESV
The System
- “If your brother sins against you…“: First ask, “has your brother or sister actually sinned against you?” Is there something they have done that is a violation of principle or biblical text? Is there a delusion or non-reality present that is enabling them to have a mindset that could bring further harm to the project, vision, community, or connection that G-d has set in place? Is there a matter of truth that has been violated such that it could create havoc or open a door that G-d did not want open? Are we giving the enemy a foothold by this behavior happening? What are the consequences of the actions in question?
- “Go…“: You go. Don’t send your pastor, your boss, your HOA president, your apostle, your covering, your momma, your daddy, your brother, your counselor, your Facebook group moderator, your whatever. You go. You. Alone. Intimidated because they have a big personality or there is a greater issue and you do not want your identity revealed? Then you do not have a big enough problem to risk the stronghold of gossip. This is not for someone else to solve and work through. This is not for you to leave to fester and stew. You will need to handle your own business. G-d gives you a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. You talk. Relaying that “others are intimidated by your behavior” is really classless and refuses to take the text into account.
- “Tell him or her their fault“: Be clear. Don’t blanket someone with condemnation and attack their identity. Keep the eye and the mouth focused on the problem, the issue, the behavior, not the person. Be specific. These are the issues that are troubling me, and they have the capacity to harm me further, yourself further, others further.
- Between you and him alone: You share examples of how the problem has harmed you and your family. At this point do not broaden the issue to say “people have told me this about you and your behavior has harmed them.” No. You spell out issues that YOU have noticed and how they have impacted YOU. If it needs to go beyond that, and you have concrete examples, share those, but at this point. If a number of YOU have the same issue, each should go and say “this has happened between me and you, and we need to deal with it. This is not a time for you to say, me and all these other nameless people have been hurt.
- If he has listened, you have gained your brother: The point of this whole exercise is reconciliation, so for G-d’s sakes to be brash or arrogant or prophety. This ain’t the time for your attitude to come across, or your snark, or your smart-assed remarks. This is the time for you to just state the facts, or the observations. Cooler heads here, and tender hearts, must prevail so you can gain back your friend. You want to provide at each point in this juncture, clear guidance on what the way back home looks like. Establish what that should look like in writing. What it looks like for him or her to be jointly fitted together with you and the others in the expression of community that you both value and where they seem to be causing trouble. (Repent, renounce, confess issue, handle the issue, and put the problem to rest, and welcome them back with tears and joy and NOT BITTERNESS OR CALLOUSNESS).
- There may be a trust issue along the way that takes time to rebuild, but there should be a timeframe where he or she sees hope for an end to the process and knows they will be restored.
- But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he resists your approach, given your goal should be reconciliation (and if your goal is not reconciliation, then you need to put your wrath on hold and give yourself a few days or weeks until your head is screwed on rightly and you can be a bit more objective. I know the situation is bleeding from an artery, and sometimes you just want to cut someone off like a cancer, but the King may have something He wants to do.
- One other aspect of point 6. You want to establish objectively how you got to this point, “what happened? Did you say these words to these people?” Take the emotion out of it. It’s hard, especially for the Prophet, the Exhorter, and the Mercy (The First, Fourth, and Seventh Redemptive Gifts found in Romans 1:6-8 are frequently given to deep emotion: see here for teaching on that topic) but you must be a lawyer here and be dispassionate and look at facts and evidence.
“Did those precise words have an impact?”
“If so, what was the real impact. Cause and effects.”
“What happened?”
“What was the fruit of their actions.”
“I can write someone off in the heat of anger. But is that the right thing for the community right now?” - If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church: Take this to the larger body of believers in your community whose authority this person recognizes and is in relationship with. You believers together make up some expression of the body of Messiah. It may not be a formal church, but it may be a group of more than the couple you took with you to begin with. Those who have been affected should all attest to the veracity of the problems presented by this person. And offers of how reconciliation may be done should be spelled out. And in this process, offer reconciliation with affection.
- And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. : If, at the end of the process, where reconciliation should have been offered every step of the way, and the way back home should have been offered, if he is still resistant, then you part ways and let them know the door will be open, but until they stop their behavior, it cannot be part of your community and they are not welcome. Say good-bye if they refuse to stop their behavior.
The Relevant Epilogue
“Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
Gang, I am going to say this repeatedly until either the church gets it or I am home with the King. This will not go away, so let me spell it out.
Real simple.
Binding means “to forbid”.
Loosing means “to loose or release”. In other words “to allow”
Gang, read what I say here.
I REFUSE TO USE THE WORDS “BIND” AND “LOOSE” IN PRAYER EVER FOR ANY REASON.
I USE THE WORDS “I PERMIT” OR “I FORBID”.
Period. I forbid these actions. I permit these actions.
These actions are allowed to take place. These actions are not.
Real simple, gets to the point.
I am not fancy in this. Clowns (my term for demons) are a circus, and they are like middle schoolers. They need to be treated as such.
Your job is to not get confused with language. Your job with people who are violating and sinning is to tell them what you will and will not permit.
Now, here are some critical points on the attitude of the one walking in Matthew 18
Don’t be a jerk with your correction.
Be as gentle as you can.
Don’t mince words. Tell them the issue.
But you can do that while managing your tone.
IF you are managing your tone and they are still calling you mean, well, that is their problem.
“Restore such a one in the spirit of gentleness/temperance/meekness”. Not drunk with rage at all they have done and how vile and wicked their wickedness is.
Tell them you are interested in fixing the problem and actual reconciliation.
And for G-d’s sake do not gossip about them to the church. There is no need for you to add to someone’s sin by sinning yourself.
If you need a pastoral opinion, seek the recommendation of believers you trust to tell you who is worth talking to as a pastor.
Ask the King repeatedly, “am I doing this the right way?”
If you have questions about the process or the sequence or the attitude, ask someone you trust or who is a safe believer with sober judgment to be a sounding board and ask them to help evaluate your process.
And above all, be mindful that the King will help you. If you are intimidated by someone who has sinned against you, you might have a larger problem than this one issue. And you might want to ask why the hell you are in relationship with that person.
Be blessed.