I am in part the product of a series of transient fathering figures, but primarily the product of one father.
I can name them all.
Wallace MacNelley
Kyle Schumacher
Hugh Stephens
Darryl Hilliard
Robert Doughty
Richard Nussel
Sam Harris
Michael Modica
Luis Chavez
Andrew Hadden
Walter Brashear
And to a man, they all left and walked out. Some due to abuse, some neglect, some because their job took them away, and some because it was time for them to walk out.
And what was left was few and far between.
Then my actual father, Second Person of the Trinity, took me back to October 10, 1984, and said to me,
“Am I not Your Father? What did I tell you back then?”
Now, beyond all this, in my trade, and in my walks, he has used a number of men to steward and grow the deposit in me, beyond the heart cry for a father. I know that desperate and perennial cry. For me it was decades-old. And believe me, I know the pain of the lack of that person.
But I also know the pain of crying out for something that will never come, unless the enemy uses that to set you up for something that will create only further grief if your anchor is not set in the Right Place.
They that go down to the sea in ships are not brought back to a safe place by some white knight on a horse. For no man with skin on can completely be that Ultimate Safe Place; they can become A safe place, but every human will only ever become a shadow of the Real: the King of Kings and the Father of Lights.
Rather, they that go down to the sea in ships saw the Majesty of G-d Himself, and it was G-d Himself that delivered them to their Ultimate Desired Safe Haven, which, all along, turned out to be Himself.
Followers of Messiah, I know the temptation to turn some dude or chick into your hiding place, your father, your spiritual daddy, your covering, your whatever.
I have spiritual kids in addition to my biological kids. But, my job in mentoring and working with them and the point of that deep heart connection is THE SAME as it is for my biologicals; that they may each ultimately be anchored with confidence in the heart of the True Father and the True Son, and not merely only, or primarily in my heart.
I am not any of their covering, though I do bathe and cover them in prayer. I am not their place of last refuge or safe haven, though I have modeled safety to each of them many times.
I never had a consistent spiritual father or covering. But then again, they were not ever supposed to function like I used to think they were supposed to function in that fashion.
And the moment you begin replacing Father with a father, ultimately, that will end up putting way too damned much pressure on that person: pressure they were not designed to endure.
And the only reason I am able to be as effective a father as I have grown into becoming is through the prayers of many saints, through interactions with a slew of godly men, both in person and in writings and sermons, including authors, writers, and men long gone, whose writings have shaped me, and through the weeping intercessions of a zoologist who is no longer with us. She sowed for years in tears for me, and now others, including my physical and spiritual seed are reaping the harvest from her faithfulness. And I cannot go back to the way my heart used to be.
I am so different from the person I used to be.
And for their influence I am grateful.