I have spoken against him, and spoken against the way in which his writings have been used to hammer an entire generation into submission.
And now, the other side…or as Paul Harvey regularly intoned…..
“the rest of the story.”
I am going to do my best to approach this one with some mercy, given that if someone were writing about me, I would hope their words would be seasoned with salt. I also know that there have been times in the last twenty years where my words were seasoned with cyanide more than salt, and for that I have done what I could to repent.
True, Josh Harris was ignorant of a lot of things for a great many years, and in that ignorance, in the interim, a lot of ministers articulated a lot of things about his writings, some were true, and a few may not have been, but, because I don’t like leaving stones uncovered or unturned, I would like to clarify something, so at least we are looking at a fully clear perspective here.
THE NEXUS INTO WHICH HARRIS DROPPED HIS WRITINGS
I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl were dropped into the middle of an agreement-heavy, empowered, fundamentalist evangelical segment of the church that took obedience to its leadership seriously and its edicts even more seriously, some of which were stupidly uttered without first checking in with the courts of heaven to see if those thoughts were heaven-sent, or soulish nonsense in reaction to wounds sustained while those pastors were under a heavy hand.
All this occurred under the Ruler Season dynamic of systems, and protocols, and authority, and regulation…
And in for those of us who are part of the Pentecostal and Charismatic movement and legion of nasty and improperly articulated concepts such as ministers as coverings, apostolic oversight (a very poor articulation of what the apostolic is supposed to do, given that apostles do not oversee, they examine foundations; bishops oversee, or better yet OVERSEERS oversee), spiritual fathers, submission, touch not my anointed, and other dynamics that could easily be thrusted under the heading of spiritual abuse.
It was a case of over-bakked swaggar and not enough tenderness and affection.
But let me highlight two dynamics from his books to throw this concept in sharp relief, given we have the idea that 1) the purity culture started with Josh Harris and 2) his writings told us that courtship was better than dating.
DISCLAIMER: granted, the subtitle of “Boy Meets Girl” is “Say Hello to Courtship”, but if you open up the two books most notorious for this issue, there are some statements at odds with the idea that “courtship was the point.”
Truly, I think he was trying to articulate, as a twenty-something pastoral assistant with little real-world experience, a new paradigm with evangelistic zeal, but it was not his problem. Rather, we allowed ourselves to be programmed, and groomed, and coached into this mentality.
To the first point, the purity culture started, not with Josh Harris, but with his literary precursor, Elisabeth Elliot.
But that is not even the point, as neither Josh nor Elisabeth are wholly culpable for the “purity culture” beast that we fed.
The point is that our ministers and pulpits and denominations latched onto this and launched things like True Love Waits and the Silver Ring Thing.
And also, as we begin to register the fallout from this movement, articles have been written in ministerial and counseling periodicals that detail situations in which couples have issues following their wedding in which the loss of virginity is received as a form of trauma.
To the second point, I think it is more appropriate that we cover something Harris said himself:
‘Dating versus courtship’ isn’t the point. I’ve known ‘serial courters’ who lived like the devil and ‘saintly daters’ guided by integrity and holiness. In and of themselves, the terms they used to describe their relationships were meaningless. The way they lived is what really mattered.
Josh Harris, Boy Meets Girl, 1st edition, 2000, pp 30.31
Dating versus courtship is not the point.
Not the message we have been taught. And granted, that point may not form the balance of Harris’ arguments, but it is a point that is present. And a horde of preachers beat this philosophy of “ditch dating, embrace courtship” as if changing the labels was going to make the difference.
So, where do we go from here?
I will flat-out tell you.
What elements were missing from these writings and from a lot of the teachings of the purity culture, and the larger world of evangelical Christianity?
Discernment. And I am not talking about discernment the way many evangelicals describe it–is this message being preached biblical or in line with the Holy Spirit?—I am talking about discernment as in discerning the physical presence of different kinds of spiritual beings, or discerning the voice of the Living G-d and hearing what He is actually saying in the moment, not through our logic, our minds, our brains, but through the living and active voice of the Holy Spirit.
I am talking about whether or not we have a living and breathing relationship with a book, the Bible.
I am asking, beseeching, crying out…
Do we have a living and breathing and active relationship with the Man, Christ Jesus?
Did we hear him verbally say, thus and so is the right thing for you?
Did we have evidences that are undeniably supernatural that this man, this woman are what Father has for us?
Did we notice that we were able to engage in the finest of our designs in company with this person?
Not, did I cross off all of the religious requirements of Harris or Elliot?
Harris and Elliot are going to be dead and buried one day, and before their King.
And their books will all decompose like the rest of what is before us.
The question I have is, “do you have a living and breathing relationship with G-d, and no matter the label you use, are you doing with your time what Father wants you to do with your time?”
Some of you are supposed to get married and connect and have kids, and you have been scared half to death by an undiscerning culture, that told you miracles do not exist, and the only miracle that exists is found in the Scriptures.
Some of you have been told that you either have to pick the miraculous or you have to pick the Bible.
There is a healthy fullness that incorporates the fullness of both principles, and miracles.
The issue is, with our love life, we have been sold a bill of goods that says love is either a choice, or love is an emotion.
Love in all of its complexities, incorporates elements of both choices and emotions. There are warm fuzzies and hard, deadly choices.
And for G-d’s sake, if you are trying to figure it out in your head and you don’t need spiritual discernment that comes not from your natural brain, but from the spiritual realm governed by the King of Glory, then you are not living a G-d-sized faith.
It’s not that Harris or Elliot got it wrong, necessarily. I am really trying to be gracious here.
Rather, it is a lack of fullness in their writings. It is a lack of discernment and a lack of dependence on the spiritual realm.
Our place is in two worlds, and we cannot solve kingdom-sized problems with standard natural solutions.
We need kingdom-sized weapons of the spirit realm….
Discernment, which is picking up the presence of spiritual entities in the spiritual realm
Revelation, which is hearing G-d actually speak and understanding the treasures He gives in a new way (treasures old and new).
And above all, love in two ways, both in choices and in emotions.
We need fullness.
Harris and Elliot, as angry as Harris’ stuff makes some of you, got a few principles right.
But, ask yourself, what is missing?
It’s not about being afraid of being fruitful and multiplying.
Rather, it is about observing the times, timings, and seasons that G-d has placed before us, and when we note a man or a woman with whom we can redemptively connect, we connect and work alongside them for a season.
And being ready to hear if Father wants us together with that person in a covenant.
Gang, I want each of you healthy and loved.
And, I could not let a rant about Harris’ writings wrest, without also being even-handed about including a post about the few things he got right, in addition to tracing back to Elliot the part of this whole context that is a mess now.
It is not just about a couple of books, gang. Rather, it is also about an entire nexus of people who were fired up to blast anyone who stepped a small way out of bounds.
A woman and a man should never have to go to their wedding bed ashamed of performing a sex act. Period. And yes, the Song of Solomon describes all sorts of sex acts that are not PG-13 missionary position only with no pleasure.
There are metaphors and pictures for oral sex and all kinds of stuff, gang in that book.
I mean, G-d made us to not only have kids, but to enjoy this thing called marriage.
You were made to have a foxhole buddy that was that close and intimate. Someone that you share a trench with and smash some clowns together with.
In closing, a small piece, one thing I appreciate about Peaches is that if I have a struggle with a Leviathan or an alien human spirit or something weirder in the spirit realm, she is the first one to gird her sword no matter how unusual, and tell me straight-up what she is hearing, and she has my back without question.
As a pastor, it is my job to have the back of every one of my charges here on both social media and physical life. I treat the groups that I lead as churches. My job is to be life-giving and flexible to every last one of those people I lead and serve in my groups, no matter how weird the battle gets.
I have dealt with all kinds of weird things.
And I do not every question my wife when there is a spiritual issue. I must at all times, get into the freaking foxhole and put a bullet right between the enemy’s eyes. Period.
Woe to me if I shoot the woman who shares my foxhole and watches my back.
For in the moments we share the foxhole, and fight battles together, that is one more step closer to intimacy and it is a form of lovemaking and is set apart, for those who are in covenant union under the kingdom-advancing banner of Christ.
It’s not just about following the rules leading up to marriage.
It is also about following the spirit and heart of the counsel of the Trinity after the wedding is done, so that our love grows.
Be blessed.
God told me to ignore you. He said anyone spelling it G-d is a larper.
What is a larper?